Assertiveness and boundaries course

Saying what you mean, and meaning what you say, is a skill many of us were never taught. This course helps you find your voice and protect your limits without losing your relationships in the process.

What it is

The assertiveness and boundaries course teaches the difference between being passive, aggressive and assertive, and helps you practise the middle ground: expressing your needs, opinions and limits clearly and respectfully. Boundaries are the limits we set on what we will accept from others and what we are willing to give. Assertiveness is the skill of communicating those limits calmly, without either shutting down or lashing out. Over several sessions, the course covers recognising your rights in a relationship, saying no without over-explaining, and handling pushback when you set a boundary for the first time.

Signs to notice

• Saying yes when you mean no, and feeling resentful afterwards
• Avoiding difficult conversations until frustration builds up and spills over
• Feeling guilty or anxious when you ask for something you need
• Others regularly overstepping your time, energy or personal space
• Struggling to disagree with people, even when you feel strongly
• Feeling responsible for other people's reactions to your honest opinions

What helps

• Practising simple, direct language such as explaining clearly that you are not able to take something on right now
• Separating the request from the relationship: you can say no to a task and still value the person
• Starting with lower-stakes boundaries to build confidence before tackling harder ones
• Using a calm tone and body language, since assertiveness is not about volume or force
• Expecting some discomfort at first; boundaries often feel uncomfortable before they feel normal
• Preparing for pushback in advance, and deciding ahead of time how you will hold your position
• Noticing and correcting all-or-nothing thinking, such as believing you must either please everyone or seem selfish

When to reach out for help

If you consistently feel unable to protect your boundaries even after practising these skills, if fear of conflict is affecting your work or relationships significantly, or if a relationship involves control, intimidation or disrespect of your boundaries no matter what you try, please speak to a counsellor. Sometimes difficulty with boundaries is linked to past experiences that deserve proper, supported attention.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors run the assertiveness and boundaries course and are also available for one-on-one sessions if you want to work through specific relationships or situations. SADAG's Mental Health Line is available on 011 234 4837. If a relationship feels unsafe, the GBV Command Centre is available on 0800 428 428, and in an emergency, SAPS can be reached on 10111.