Supporting Children Through a Death

When someone dies, adults often try to protect children by saying little or keeping them away. Children usually know something is wrong, and silence can make them more frightened. You do not need perfect words. Honest, simple answers and a steady adult make the biggest difference.

What is happening

Children grieve in bursts. A child may cry one minute and ask to play outside the next. This does not mean they do not care. Young children may think death is temporary or that they caused it. School-age children often ask direct questions about the body, the coffin or what happens next. Teenagers may pull away, act angry, or take on adult roles too early.

Use clear words like "died" and "dead" instead of "sleeping" or "we lost her", which can confuse or frighten young children. Tell them what happened in a way that fits their age, and let them ask questions, even the same one many times. Share your beliefs about what happens after death, whether religious, ancestral or otherwise, while being honest that people believe different things.

Children benefit from being included in rituals, if they want to and are prepared for what they will see. They can light a candle, draw a picture for the coffin, or help choose a song. In some families, children are traditionally kept away from the graveside or from certain rites. You can respect this and still give them their own way to say goodbye.

When a parent or main caregiver dies, a child may also face changes in home, school and caregiver. A social worker can help with care arrangements and grants. Our Family hub has more on parenting through change.

Signs to notice

• Clinginess, bedwetting or baby talk in younger children
• Nightmares or fears about other people dying
• Anger, fighting or trouble at school
• Falling school marks or refusing to go to school
• Teenagers withdrawing, using alcohol or taking on adult duties
• Asking the same questions over and over

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no. Go with your first honest answer.

• Has the child not been told clearly that the person has died?
• Has the child's behaviour changed a lot for more than a few weeks?
• Is the child refusing school or falling far behind?
• Does the child talk about wanting to die or be with the person?
• Has the child lost their main caregiver or home?
• Is the adult caring for the child struggling to cope with their own grief?

0-1 yes: The child seems to be grieving in a normal way. Keep routines, talk openly and give extra time.
2-3 yes: The child needs some extra support. Tell the school and consider a counsellor.
4 or more yes: Please get professional support for the child soon. If a child talks about wanting to die, get help today.

What you can do next

• Today: Tell the child, in simple words, what has happened, and let them know they are safe and who will look after them.
• This week: Let the school know, and ask the teacher to watch for changes and let you know.
• This month: Create a memory box or album together, and keep daily routines as steady as possible.
• Look after your own grief too. Children cope better when the adults around them get support.

Your tool

Memory and Ritual Journal - prompts for families to share memories, write letters and plan rituals together, with child-friendly options.

When to get professional help

Get help if a child's distress or behaviour does not ease after several weeks, if they are refusing school, if they talk about wanting to die, or if they have lost their main caregiver. Children and teens can also call Childline on 116 to talk to someone.
Who can help: psychologist, counsellor, social worker, grief specialist

Getting help in South Africa

Childline (116) supports children and teenagers. School counsellors and district-based support teams can help at school. Social workers at the Department of Social Development handle care arrangements and foster care. The Cleared Mind 24-hour Careline on 0800 212 146 can connect parents and caregivers to a counsellor, and many counsellors work with children and families.