Becoming a Parent

You love your baby, and you may also feel exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious or strangely flat. Many new parents feel they should be purely happy, and then feel guilty when they are not. Mixed feelings are very common, and help is available if they become too heavy.

What is happening

Becoming a parent is one of the biggest identity changes in adult life. Your sleep is broken, your body may be healing from birth, your relationship with your partner changes, and your time is no longer your own. Adoptive parents, foster parents and people who become the main carer of a relative's child go through this too.

In the first two weeks after birth, many mothers have the "baby blues": tearfulness and mood swings that pass on their own. When low mood, anxiety or intrusive frightening thoughts last longer or get worse, it may be perinatal depression or anxiety. These are common and treatable, and they can affect fathers and partners too. They are not a sign that you are a bad parent.

South African families often surround a new mother with advice and rules: staying indoors for a period, special foods, or elders taking over. This support can be precious, and it can also feel like pressure. You can respect tradition and still say what you need. At work, the Basic Conditions of Employment Act provides maternity and parental leave, and UIF may pay a benefit if you qualify. Our Work hub explains leave, and our Family hub covers partner and parenting support.

Signs to notice

• Crying often, or feeling numb and far away from your baby
• Constant worry that something bad will happen to the baby
• Feeling you are failing as a parent
• Irritability and arguments with your partner or family
• Unable to sleep even when the baby sleeps
• Feeling alone even with people around

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no. Go with your first honest answer.

• Has low mood or anxiety lasted more than two weeks?
• Do you have frightening thoughts about harm coming to your baby or yourself?
• Do you feel you cannot care for your baby or yourself?
• Is there no one who gives you a break, even for an hour?
• Are you and your partner in constant conflict?
• Are money worries about the new baby keeping you awake?

0-1 yes: This sounds like the normal strain of a new baby. Rest when you can and accept help.
2-3 yes: Some of this is weighing on you. Speak to your clinic sister, doctor or a counsellor.
4 or more yes: Please get help soon. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, speak to a doctor or clinic today, or call the Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567.

What you can do next

• Today: Ask one person to take the baby for an hour so you can sleep or shower.
• This week: Mention how you are feeling at the baby's clinic visit or your postnatal check. Clinic staff are used to this conversation.
• This month: Agree with your partner or family on night feeds, chores and visitors. Our Family hub has a conversation planner.
• Plan your return to work early. See our article on returning to work after maternity or parental leave.

Your tool

Life Transition Stress Check - a private check that shows how the new baby is affecting your mood, sleep, relationships and money, with steps to start with.

When to get professional help

Get help if low mood or anxiety lasts more than two weeks, if you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or if you cannot sleep even when you have the chance. If you are in danger right now, call the Suicide Crisis Helpline on 0800 567 567, or an ambulance on 10177.
Who can help: doctor, nurse, psychologist, counsellor, social worker

Getting help in South Africa

Your local clinic and baby clinic can screen for postnatal depression and refer you. The Cleared Mind 24-hour Careline on 0800 212 146 can connect you to a counsellor. SADAG (011 234 4837, 08:00-20:00) has information and support for perinatal mood problems. UIF maternity and parental benefits are handled by the Department of Employment and Labour (labour.gov.za).