Continuing bonds: remembering well

For a long time, grief was thought to be about "letting go". We now understand it differently.

What it is

Maintaining a connection to someone who has died, through memory, ritual, or a sense of ongoing relationship, is a healthy and natural part of grieving. This is often called continuing bonds. Remembering well doesn't mean moving on from someone. It means finding a way to carry them with you, in whatever form feels right for you and your family. This understanding has shifted how professionals think about healthy grieving over recent decades, moving away from the idea that closure requires severing the connection entirely.

Signs to notice

• Wanting to talk about the person who died, share stories, or keep photos and belongings visible
• Feeling comforted, rather than distressed, by memories over time
• Noticing moments of connection - a familiar smell, song, or place - that bring the person to mind
• Wondering whether it's "okay" to still feel close to someone who has died, especially as time passes
• Finding yourself talking to the person, or thinking about what they would say in a given situation
• Feeling a mixture of sadness and warmth when their name comes up in conversation

What helps

• Create small rituals of remembrance, such as lighting a candle, cooking a favourite recipe, or visiting a meaningful place
• Keep photos, letters or objects that hold meaning, in a way that feels comforting rather than overwhelming
• Talk about the person who died with others who knew them. Sharing memories keeps them present
• Mark significant dates in ways that feel right for you and your family
• Allow the relationship to evolve. It's normal for how you remember someone to change over the years
• Let go of any pressure to "move on" in a set timeframe. Continuing to feel connected is not a sign of being stuck
• Share stories about the person with younger family members, so their memory continues across generations
• Give yourself permission to laugh and feel joy while remembering someone, as well as sadness

When to reach out for help

If remembering the person becomes distressing rather than comforting, or if you feel unable to engage with daily life because of preoccupation with the loss, a professional can assess whether additional support would help you find a healthier balance.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors can support you in finding meaningful, healthy ways to remember someone you've lost. SADAG's Mental Health Line (011 234 4837) offers additional support if needed.