Children and grief

Children experience grief differently to adults, and understanding this helps the grown-ups around them respond with patience.

What it is

Children may not have the words to explain what they're feeling, and their grief often shows up in short bursts rather than one continuous wave - playing happily one moment, then asking a difficult question the next. This is a normal part of how children process loss. How a child understands death also depends on their age and stage of development, so their reactions can look very different from an adult's, and from each other's.

Signs to notice

• Regression, such as returning to younger behaviours like thumb-sucking or bedwetting
• Changes in sleep, appetite or school performance
• Repeated questions about the person who died, or about death itself
• Acting out, irritability or clinginess
• Difficulty naming feelings, or physical complaints like tummy aches or headaches
• In teenagers, withdrawal, risk-taking, or a drop in interest in usual activities
• Worry about other loved ones dying, or increased anxiety about separation

What helps

• Use honest, simple, age-appropriate language. Avoid euphemisms like "gone to sleep", which can confuse or frighten young children
• Reassure children that they are safe and that the loss was not their fault
• Keep routines as consistent as possible - familiar structure helps children feel secure
• Let children ask questions, even the same one repeatedly, and answer patiently each time
• Include children in remembering the person, in ways that feel appropriate for their age, such as drawing pictures, sharing stories, or visiting a special place
• Watch for grief resurfacing at birthdays, anniversaries or developmental milestones, even years later
• Model your own grief honestly. It teaches children that feelings are okay to show
• Let a child's school or caregivers know about the loss, so they can offer extra understanding and support

When to reach out for help

If a child's distress persists for many months, disrupts daily functioning, or includes talk of not wanting to be alive, seek professional support. A professional can assess what a child needs and guide the family through it. Teachers, school counsellors and paediatric professionals can also be valuable allies in supporting a grieving child.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors can support parents and caregivers navigating a child's grief, including guidance on when to involve additional professional support. SADAG's Mental Health Line (011 234 4837) can also help direct families to appropriate care.

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If you or someone else is in immediate danger, reach out now. SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline (24h): 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393. SAPS 10111, ambulance 10177, GBV Command Centre 0800 428 428.