Losing a child

There are few losses as devastating as losing a child, at any age and in any circumstance. If this has happened to you, please know that your grief, in whatever form it takes, is understandable and deserves care.

What it is

The loss of a child - whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, infancy, childhood or adulthood - upsets a deeply held sense of order in the world, where children are expected to outlive their parents. Grief after losing a child is often described by those who have lived it as unlike any other loss: it can touch identity, purpose and the future all at once. It can affect a couple's relationship differently for each partner, and every family member, including siblings, will grieve in their own way and their own time. There is no "getting over" this loss, but there is a way of learning to carry it and continue living alongside it.

Signs to notice

• Overwhelming waves of grief that feel unlike anything experienced before
• A sense that identity or purpose has been shattered
• Guilt, including guilt over surviving, over things said or unsaid, or over moments of relief or distraction
• Strain in the relationship with a partner, who may be grieving differently or on a different timeline
• Concern for siblings who may be grieving quietly or in ways that look different from adult grief
• Difficulty finding meaning in daily life, work or routines that once felt automatic

What helps

• Allow the grief to be as large as it is - there is no timeline and no "right" way to grieve the loss of a child
• Seek support from people or groups who understand this specific loss, as it can feel isolating even among caring friends and family
• Communicate openly with your partner about how you are each grieving, without expecting the same process or pace from each other
• Support siblings with age-appropriate honesty and space to express their own grief
• Consider ways to remember and honour your child that feel meaningful to your family
• Accept practical help from others where you can - cooking, errands, childcare for other children - so you can focus on grieving

When to reach out for help

Reach out to a professional experienced in child loss if grief feels unbearable, if it is affecting your relationship, other children, or your ability to function, or if you have any thoughts of harming yourself. This support is not a sign that you are grieving wrongly - it is a sign of caring for yourself through the hardest thing a parent can face.

Getting help in South Africa

Cleared Mind's EAP counsellors offer confidential, compassionate support for members and their families after the loss of a child. SADAG's Mental Health Line is available on 011 234 4837 for further support and referrals to specialised grief services.

---

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, reach out now. SADAG Suicide Crisis Helpline (24h): 0800 567 567 or SMS 31393. SAPS 10111, ambulance 10177, GBV Command Centre 0800 428 428.