When Couples Counselling May Help

You may be wondering whether things are "bad enough" for counselling, or worry that suggesting it means the relationship is over. Many couples wait years before getting help. Counselling works best when it happens earlier, and asking for it is a sign of care, not failure.

What is happening

Couples counselling gives two people a safe, structured place to talk with a trained person present. The counsellor does not decide who is right. They help you notice patterns, slow down arguments, and practise new ways of talking and repairing.

People go for many reasons: constant arguing, drifting apart, an affair, money stress, a new baby, in-law pressure, sexual difficulties, or deciding whether to stay together. Some couples go to separate well, especially when there are children.

In South Africa, help comes from different places. Psychologists and registered counsellors are registered with the HPCSA, and social workers with the SACSSP. Many churches, mosques and community elders offer marriage guidance too, and this can be valuable. It helps to ask what training the person has, and whether they will keep what you share confidential.

Couples counselling is not recommended when there is abuse, violence or ongoing fear. In those cases individual support and safety planning come first.

Signs to notice

• The same argument keeps coming back without being solved.
• You feel more like housemates than partners.
• A big event (affair, loss, retrenchment, baby) has shaken you both.
• One or both of you are thinking about leaving.
• You cannot talk about certain topics without a fight.
• Family members have started taking sides.

30-second self-check

Answer yes or no. Go with your first honest answer.

• Have we been unhappy for more than a few months?
• Do we avoid important topics because they lead to fights?
• Has something happened that we cannot get past on our own?
• Would I feel safe saying what I really think in front of my partner and a counsellor?
• Are we both at least a little willing to try?
• Are the children being affected by our tension?

0-1 yes: You may not need formal counselling now, but a relationship check-in or a short course could still help.
2-3 yes: Counselling could make a real difference. It is worth raising with your partner.
4 or more yes: You are likely to benefit from counselling. If you answered no to feeling safe, choose individual support first.

What you can do next

• Today: Think about what you would want to change. Write down two things you hope counselling would help with.
• This week: Raise it gently with your partner: "I want us to be better, and I think some help would make it easier. Will you come with me?" If they say no, you can still go alone.
• This month: Book an initial session. Give it at least four to six sessions before deciding whether it works, and tell the counsellor honestly if it does not feel right.
• Between sessions, try the small exercises the counsellor suggests. Most of the change happens at home, not in the room.
• If cost is a worry, ask about EAP sessions, sliding-scale fees or community services before deciding you cannot afford help.

Your tool

Relationship Health Check - a private check that shows where your relationship is under strain and suggests whether counselling, a course or self-help fits best.

When to get professional help

Consider counselling if unhappiness has lasted months, if you are considering separation, or if there has been betrayal. If there is fear, threats or violence, get individual help and safety advice instead.
Who can help: Psychologist, registered counsellor, social worker, relationship counsellor

Getting help in South Africa

Your Cleared Mind EAP may include couples sessions: call the Cleared Mind 24-hour Careline on 0800 212 146 to ask. FAMSA (famsa.org.za) offers couples counselling in many towns, usually at affordable rates. You can check a psychologist on the HPCSA online register and a social worker with the SACSSP. Some medical schemes pay part of psychology sessions, so check your plan.